This is my life and musings and whatever else I decide to write about in a day.
Pure Imitation Maranie
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
An open letter to Columbus motorists:I am one of you. I join you every day in that time-honored tradition of Commuting from The Suburbs into Downtown. I have a few suggestions here on making this journey easier for all involved.
First, if you only drive one day out of the week/month/year, please schedule this joyous occasion sometime other than rush hour. Since you obviously don't get out very often, I'll let you know that this time is Monday-Friday, 7 a.m.-9 a.m. and then again from 4 p.m.-6 p.m. This saves us from getting stuck behind your slow ass that's too terrified to push the gas, ease into an intersection, or do anything else that involves transport in a motor vehicle. Please - we'll be happier, you'll be happier, everyone wins.
Second, when a train is crossing in front of you, you slow down or stop. This does not apply, however, if said train is crossing above you on a well-constructed railroad tressel. Please, if you're old enough to drive, you're too damn old to be cooing "Look at tha choo-choo."
Also, if it should rain while you are driving, contrary to popular belief, your IQ does not instantly drop 50 points; therefore, please do not drive like it does. Which reminds me....
...If you're driving along and happen to hear thunder, or see a flash of lightning, this only means that a storm is coming, NOT the Apocalypse, so please do not drive as such. Or then again, pretend it IS the Apocalypse and get your ass moving to see your loved ones that one last time, because the rate you're going now, it looks like we're all spending the end of the world on an off-ramp.
If you are driving a car older than most licensed drivers, then I guarantee your exhaust fumes are currently asphyxiating half of Franklin County at this very moment. If you doubt me (which you MUST because so many of you are out there), then have a trusted friend drive behind you for some period of time. Once he's off the subsequent oxygen tank, please listen to what he has to say about what comes out of your car's tailpipe.
When the freeway is completely jammed up to the point where yer grandma could walk faster than you're moving, please, do NOT keep switching lanes in an attempt to go faster because all you're doing is making it worse. I'd think that, due to speeds akin to those of non-motored inantimate objects, you would be clued in to the fact that 315 northbound is NOT the Indy 500 and, therefore, that is NOT going to work. Apparently, however, you're not.
And Columbus DJ's, this especially goes out to you: When your "eye in the sky yellow thunder" asshole is done reporting every traffic jam except the one I'm in, please do not follow up by playing "Party Hard," "Radar Love," or any other such song that is only enjoyed whilst hitting Mach 5. All you're doing is rubbing it in and pissing us off.
If we all follow these simple suggestions, then I am sure we can all have a nice commute tomorrow, because there sure as hell wasn't any good excuse today for my drive home to take an hour while I was stuck in traffic, listening to Irene Cara on the radio and hating life.
Thank you, and for those of you who caused said drive today, fuck you.
Sincerely,
Maranie
posted by Maranie on 5/29/2002 07:03:00 PM
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
Back from the weekend, heading off to bed shortly. We had fun this weekend, all capped off by a cookout with Carlos and Jenn for Memorial Day with grilled corn on the cob, steaks, potato salad and apple pie. Hey, the diet starts tomorrow. :-PWhat I dread is the amount of work awaiting me tomorrow - hey, just because a whole bunch of us don't go to work one day, doesn't mean the world stops turning. What was due on Monday, is now due on Tuesday. What was due on Tuesday - still due on Tuesday. Catch my drift? *sigh*
posted by Maranie on 5/28/2002 12:48:00 AM