This is my life and musings and whatever else I decide to write about in a day.
Pure Imitation Maranie
Tuesday, August 06, 2002
So today we take possession of the house. We can go over and paint. We can start moving things in, if we'd like.But today's also the day that I went to my doctor and found out that the reason I'm not pregnant yet is because something's seriously wrong. Today is when we schedule blood work and painful fertility tests. Today is the day my doctor tells me that if my next round of fertility meds don't work, then she can no longer help me and I need to see a specialist.
Today's the day my doctor mentioned poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, even after I'd suggested to other doctors a few years back that I might have it in hopes I could be treated. I'm sure I have it. I fit all the symptoms. And if that's the case, I've had it for years and anyone with a basic knowledge of women's health should've been able to spot it. There's a good chance it's too late.
I have to deal with all this in the middle of people bringing their babies into work, talking about having children all the time, and showing off baby shower gifts for various workers and relatives of workers. We even have one attorney visibly pregnant. I have a new mother showing off another adorable pink outfit right now, gushing about how wonderful it is to have a daughter. She's two cubicles over and I can hear every word she says. Everyone in this office has children or is going to. Everyone but me.
So I could really give a shit about that house now. It'll just be me and Jason knocking around it, until he leaves me for a woman who's body isn't a piece of shit, someone who's not defective, someone God loves. I don't care what happens to the house, or me either. I can't have a family, I can't give Jason a family. I'm worthless. I'm useless. I'm better off dead.
posted by Maranie on 8/06/2002 01:08:00 PM
Monday, August 05, 2002
Whah. I suppose this means that Guns N' Roses pinball machine I've been pining for all these years will be even more impossible to obtain.That makes me sad, but this pisses me off, especially the last quote about women's place in the church. Truly spoken by someone who's never grown up female and Catholic.
In other news....
Work is kinda stressful today - nothing major, just a lot is piling up. But I'm so thankful for Jason. He's running errands today, getting things ready for the move. We can take possession tomorrow, and we might start painting at least one of the spare rooms tomorrow evening. Jason is just being wonderful, I can't get over how much running around he's done, how many phone calls he's made, even though he works full-time too. We would not have this house without all the hard work he's put into it, there's no way I could've done half of what he's done. I'm just hoping he'll have enough energy this evening from running errands to come with me and pick out paint for the master bedroom. :-)
posted by Maranie on 8/05/2002 12:28:00 PM